Do I Have To Put A Title Here? Oh, I do? Ok. Here goes. “Meh.” That works. It’s fitting. Says it all. Wait, I’m not supposed to ‘talk’ here? Aw crap, ok, just act like you didn’t see this, ok? Ok.

Rhetorical question, clearly. I’m so fucking bored. And hungry. And bored. And tired. And bored. And hungry too. Haven’t been able to eat the past few days – perfect timing, of course – have I mentioned how much I love my stomach lately? Well, at least I didn’t have to make excuses at someone’s house and feel uncomfortable for not eating their food… I wasn’t invited anywhere. I sat home, played WoW, and overdosed on Wild Cherry Pepsi and Mountain Dew. I haven’t been able to eat, because I’ve been ‘full’ for over a week now. Yes, this is part of my stomach issues. Hopefully the meds I’ve been taking the past 2 days so far will help me umm… empty out, for lack of a less ‘TMI’ term. Have I mentioned how much I.. oh yeah, I did, right there.. :/

So I started taking Effexor this week. I’ve been too depressed and too ‘not ok’ for too long, something’s gotta give – and it wasn’t gonna be me, that’s for sure. I’ve got a Grandson to get to know, and another Grandson on the way!! I still haven’t ‘re-peopled’ yet… I haven’t really contacted everyone I need to on FB yet… I’m getting there, one step at a time. There’s a few people who are pissed at me, a few people deleted me, but if people are going to be mad or delete me because I’ve been sick, I can’t help that. I don’t control my illnesses, unfortunately – they control me – and that’s one reason I started taking Effexor, dealing with symptoms is something I’m able to sorta control, kinda, in a way, or somethin like that… It was MY decision, not a suggestion from anyone or a shrink or a doctor – I chose to approach my regular doctor about an antidepressant, because of how I’d been feeling the past 2 months or so. Somehow, surprisingly, he suggested one of the 2 or 3 antidepressants that I’ve actually never tried before. Over the past 20 or so years, most of the therapists/psychiatrists I’ve seen have always suggested the ‘popular’ meds – clearly whatever one gives them the best ‘perks’ for getting people to take them. Not my doc – he’s awesomesauce. This guy is one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. He’s truly invested in trying to get me better, one step at a time. He listens to me, pays attention to what I’ve got to say and what my concerns are, and is sincerely working with me on managing all my symptoms and making sure I’m slowly but surely focusing on improving my life and my health. No other doctor has done that in I can’t even say how many years. I’ve always been nothing but a number, just another ‘patient’ to throw meds at, to shut me up and get me out of the office as soon as they can. I’ve emailed with this doc more times in the past month, than I’ve ever communicated with any of my doctors (outside the office) in the whole time I’ve been seeing doctors. He responds right away, and is always helpful and answers any questions and settles any worries I might have, every time. Little by little, I’m getting better – I’m feeling better – and I know I’m going to be much better in the very near future, between him and the World Trade Center Health Organization and the doctors I’m seeing through them. I’ve got a few diagnoses that need to just be ‘certified’ (that’s what they call it) that they were either caused by, or aggravated or exacerbated by, being onsite and/or working with the Red Cross from the day after 9/11 until I’m not sure when I stopped, but I’ll never forget that night. Once they’re ‘certified’, I get whatever treatment is necessary, from some of the best doctors and surgeons in the country. They cover everything – it’s not like having medicaid, where you’re lucky if a nurse will go out of her way and get you a pillow or a blanket if it’s -20 degrees in the hospital… this insurance is a HUGE company, and well-known, too – so I won’t be treated like dirt, like the hospitals usually do to medicaid patients :/

The reason I’ll never forget the night I stopped volunteering for the Red Cross is because I was walking home from the Red Cross office, which I did many nights, because it was right around the corner from our apartment. As I got to the corner of Richmond Ave and Lander Ave (the corner where Miggy’s Supermarket is, across from the Staten Island Hotel) a girl came running up to me screaming for help, that some old guy had been hit by a car, and was laying in the street. I ran over to the man, no one else was around – the person that hit him was gone, it was only her and I. I told her to call 911, and knelt next to the man. He was laying on his back, and had severe damage to the back of his head. It was severe enough that I knew he wasn’t going to make it. He looked at me, but I guess he couldn’t talk, so I just took his hands, which were across his chest, and held them and told him that help was on the way, and that he was going to be ok. I just kept reassuring him that things were going to be fine (I knew he wasn’t making it). As the Ambulance pulled up and the people ran over, I watched the life leave his eyes. He wasn’t there anymore. I moved away, so they could work, and they tried to resuscitate him – I couldn’t stay there and watch, I had to get home to my family (my fiancée and my 6 month old daughter at the time) to be with them, because I was losing it, and fast. I don’t remember much more of that night, but I do remember crying quite a bit, and telling my fiancée that we had to leave NY, I couldn’t live there anymore. We had to find a place out in PA (where my son lived with his Mother and her other kids and Husband).

So, we contacted her, and she suggested that we come up and spend a few days or a week there, and look around at the towns nearby, to see if we liked it. I loved it there, it was exactly like the town I grew up in, back in the 70s. Even the houses were the same. We found an apartment upstairs from a restaurant right on ‘Main St’ (which was also Rt 6, the main road that could take ya from the top/side of PA  (Milford) clear down to the bottom, if I’m not mistaken. I don’t feel like mapping, so yeah.) It was the whole upper half of the building, 3 bedrooms, full kitchen, dining room, living room, it was LONG – the whole length of the building/restaurant, and they only wanted $625 a month with all utilities included!! If I remember correctly, I pulled out a wad of bills, and asked the landlord when could we move in… I might be mistaken – a lot of things back then are sorta foggy – but we took the place, without a doubt. Our apartment on Staten Island, we were paying I think $1200 a month for it – a small 2 bedroom side apartment on Staten Island, it might have even been $1600, I’m not sure… but it was a ripoff, and things needed fixed, and the place wasn’t even done when we were moving in, ugh, that place was frustrating. So, this new place in PA was a DREAM COME TRUE!! It was INCREDIBLE!! We loved it there, and 6 years later, I moved out and had to find my own place – took 4 years, but I found this apartment right next to the river in the next town over, it’s got an elevator, it’s geared toward disabled and elderly people, so it’s perfect for me.  Been here since 2009. My daughter and her Mom still live in that apartment. And, now that I’m completely and totally off the subject of what this post was supposed to be about, I’m just gonna say wheeeeeeeeeeeeee, bleep.

Ending this here, because reasons, and because I’m too confoozled and dain bramaged and can’t brain right now because I got myself all caught up with the past, and thinking about how much I miss my family and that I spent another year’s holidays alone this year, and how much it sucks to be alone when your son lives 3 floors above you, and your daughter lives 9 miles west of you. On that note, I’m outta here. Gotta go roll some cigs before I have a nicotine fit. These e-cigs just don’t cut it, yano? Hasta la pasta, peeps. *waves*

PS. I’m not ‘ON’ Facebook, it’s not logged in, I don’t get notifications, I can’t see messages, or comments, or posts on my page – if you need to get in touch with me, please text me. Anyone that needs me bad enough should have my # – it’s posted on my ‘about me’ page.  If, for some reason, you can’t find it, just leave a comment here!! Thanks!

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