All this ‘everything’…

{EDIT: After I posted this, it notified me that it posted to Facebook. My brain said “AW FUCK!” then so did I. That wasn’t my intention. I don’t really want everyone reading this, but if I delete it, I know someone somewhere’s gonna take it personally, or have somethin to say about it. For now I’m removing it from my timeline, I guess I’ll deal with the shit I get as I’m able to get back on here and reply. I won’t log onto Facebook, I’ve got my reasons, and I do not want to get into them now. Ok, that’s my edit.}

Hey. I don’t know who I’m saying ‘hey’ to, but I guess eventually it’ll be someone, right? *shrug* I don’t think I’m gonna bust out with some mind-boggling psycho-babble or a heart-breaking tale of lost love (i’ve got a lifetime of those), honestly I don’t even know why I started a new post, or page, or entry, or whatever it’s called these days. I do know I’m not ok. I haven’t been ok for a while now, a good two months, maybe more. There’s just so much in my head, so much I’ve been dealing with on a minute-by-minute basis. I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand – no, actually, I’m wrong. Somehow I think there’s one person that could somewhat understand. I heard her perform one (or was it two?) of her.. um.. poems? Art performance? Live thought process publicly shared? I don’t know what to call it, but holy freakin shit did I feel it. There were parts that I’d swear were from my private, personal, handwritten things that I used to write – still do actually, it’s just been a long time – but some of the phrases, the words, the thought processes, could have been mine. I’d have lost a bet saying they were from something I’d penned a decade ago or more. I don’t know how she’s got such wisdom and intelligence and knowledge and what seems like experience, but shouldn’t be, at her age – I was dumbfounded. And, well, I guess inspired, cuz here I am, right? I won’t shut up 😉

As I said though, I haven’t been ok for a while. I’ve been away from facebook for a while as well, and some people might be mad at me – in fact, one person is definitely mad at me, but I can’t help that, I’m just not able to talk about it. I can’t get on the phone and start expressing any of this, because I’ll break down and be unable to vocalize through the sobbing and the tears. Even the brief thoughts of talking about it are causing little mini-breakdowns where I’ve got to stop typing and compose myself. When I say talking about ‘it’, I can’t even tell you (or myself) what exactly ‘it’ is. It’s everything, years and years of everything. Days and nights and weeks and months and years of everything. It’s almost as if I’ve run out of spaces to put it all, and I’m beginning to crack around the edges. If something doesn’t change, if I can’t put it all in place, if I don’t get some relief, if… well, I can’t promise I’ll be able to handle it anymore. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know it won’t be good. There’s just so much going through my mind and my heart about so many different things that are and aren’t happening, and should and shouldn’t be happening, I’m just so overwhelmed with so much.. well, everything. I don’t know how else to explain it without starting at the beginning and telling my whole fucking life story till I get to the part where I’m sitting here helpless and hopeless and indubitably alone, even with people who say they wanna be around me. And, the people that should be around me, say they wanna be around me, and I see them once a month if I’m lucky, and not even on our anniversaries or either of our birthdays which both just passed in the past month. I’m so lost right now I couldn’t fucking tell you where my eyelashes are. I need to get away, I think, somehow, for a while, maybe, I don’t know for sure, I just know things aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse. Every. Single. Day.

I think I need sleep. I’ve been sleeping so much but not enough, not real sleep. I pass out from exhaustion and medication because I’m supposed to sleep but don’t want to, but don’t want to stay awake either. So I sit here and play video games or browse useless shit on the web or watch stupid shit on youtube or catch up with TV series I haven’t watched in months until I fall asleep at my desk, usually with my face resting half on my cigarette lighter, half on the ashtray, or leaning up against the window where all the spiders live, most probably giving them an interesting plaything for a few hours, then wake up from another nightmare, usually already in tears, or physically shaking, or falling out of my chair (literally) and waking up from feeling myself falling, or not feeling myself falling and waking up a few hours later on the floor, or half on my bed, half in my chair… and my legs are starting to swell up – my right one worse than my left – and I know that’s really not a good thing, at all, and I’ve got to start laying in bed. I barely eat, and when I do, it’s circus peanuts. Yes, the orange almost-marshmallow things. I don’t know why, but a few months ago I had a craving for them, and it’s been breakfast lunch and dinner ever since. I don’t know why I’m even sitting here writing this, because it’s not gonna help – in fact my back is hurting me pretty fucking bad from sitting here again all day, so I’m definitely gonna go lay in bed. I don’t plan on sleeping, but I will probably nap for an hour or three. I just know that I can’t take much more of all of this ‘everything’, and I couldn’t even tell you where I should start. I’ll start with this – I’m going to lay down for a bit. I might sleep, I might not, I might write more when I get up, I might not. I’m definitely going to lay down though. That much I can say for sure – which I guess, in a way, is some sort of start, right?


One thought on “All this ‘everything’…”

  1. I’m gonna comment on my own post, because I don’t want to comment on Facebook… I didn’t even want to log on, but I had to, to remove this post from my timeline.

    Soooo, Thanks Jim, for your compliment. It wasn’t really meant to be ‘read’ as most of my writing – well, maybe it was and I didn’t know it at the time – but thanks. I appreciate it more than it sometimes may seem with me.

    And, Amanda, thank you so much for being ‘here’ for me – and I know I could come to you if I wanted to vent or talk or something, and I appreciate that as well – also, more than it may seem. Right now though, there’s just too much for me to be able to let it out to anyone in particular, if that makes any sense.

    I don’t even know if you two will see this. I hope so, but with my luck… well… that says it all.

    *waves* Laterz.


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